Please forgive me
I love you
The exercise on this week’s Postcard from the Edge is called Worst Case Scenario and on a personal level the timing for this card was somewhat ironically perfect, as I’m experiencing the (terrible) results of one of my own worst fears – that is letting other people down.
I’ve always thought of myself as someone who’s reliable, keeps to their word and is a really good friend. My worst case scenario – my shadow side – the side I can’t abide or accept would be the opposite of that – someone who lets people down, doesn’t keep their promises and isn’t there for their friends and loved ones.
But I have to face it, in terms of honoring the commitments I’ve made, I’ve let so many people down over the past few years, especially those closest to me of course, that I’ve felt a huge weight of guilt and self-reproach about it.
Step 1 in moving beyond this is of course, being able to even accept that I’ve created these situations – responsibility yes, but also self-acceptance and self-forgiveness. If I can’t accept and forgive myself, why should I expect anyone else to?
Here’s a lovely quote from Anodea Judith‘s wonderful book “Eastern Body, Western Mind: Psychology and the Chakra System as a Path to the Self“: it’s about the third chakra, which is the one I seem to have been stuck on:
“Power is the ability to make change and exists for one reason only – transformation.
When the old has outgrown its purpose, it is time to transform it into something new
Power is not a thing, but a way.
It is a process of becoming real.
We have power when we dare to live authentically, when we reach inside ourselves and tell the naked truth.
The more we dare to take risks, to question, to be true to ourselves, the easier it becomes…
in order to escape the narrow traps of personal limitations and approach the magnificent expanse of totality, we must reclaim our power…”
Anodea says that to heal this (which she relates to an unbalanced third chakra), it’s best to go gently, like kindling a fire – not the bright flame of starting something, but the soft spark of light that can either just puff out or turn into a real fire which keeps it all going.
So, instead of (continuing to) beat myself up about all the things I’ve not done, the promises I’ve broken, the commitments I haven’t kept, I’m starting with an apology (recognition of my responsibility) and a pause.
So I’ve made a mess of things? It’s time to face up to it and to slowly rekindle the fire…
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